Six Sunday – 10/21/12

Good day, it’s Six Sunday, the place to read snippets from some of the best writers out there. This week we continue from my novel in progress entitled Let Go. I’ve noticed that many of you like Cammy, while others have wondered why Ryan doesn’t walk out on her. So this week, I thought I would share a six from the same chapter where Cammy still won’t give Ryan his watch back, but somehow Ryan just can’t get the nerve to walk out on her. This six is all narration, which I feel I’m a bit weak at, so your input will be really appreciated. Enjoy!

Ryan threw his hands up in self-defeat like a coach watching his team being pummeled. He was certain that he would be late for work, but did not want to make a scene in place with too many witnesses. The voices upstairs kept prompting him to get up, snatch the watch and bolt, especially since he had his own ride back to campus. Something indescribable about her made it impossible for him to get out of his seat. Aside from her pretty face, he had been enticed by her sharp, touchy gab and soft voice that almost sung to him like a favorite song. He didn’t want to follow his own father’s example by walking out on a girl, even if she had been rude to him.

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27 thoughts on “Six Sunday – 10/21/12

  1. gayleramage

    Hi Frank,

    This is my first time reading any of your snippets and I enjoyed it. Nice line about the voice sounding like a favourite song. 🙂

  2. Jessica Subject

    Oh, I’m curious to know more after that last line. 🙂 Well done!

    And don’t be afraid to use contractions in narration. It makes things flow a little better.

  3. Similes are so much more effective than adverbs. Great writing!

  4. I find narration difficult, too. (I used that in my own six for today.) It is hard to know the line between narrating vs. telling (instead of showing). Do you show anything about his father walking out on him? I know you can’t in this six, but that would make this narration stronger.

    • I could include his dad walking out, but I go into more detail about that the next chapter. Actually, Ryan shares that story with Cammy in the story.

      • Ah I see, it will come later. That is the thing about these six…we don’t know the context.

  5. I too am curious about the last line. Makes a good motivation for staying. Nice six!

  6. I think your narrative voice is good here in presenting Ryan’s conflicting emotions. Nice work!

  7. Nice last sentence. You’re very good at letting out a little information at a time.

    I think a previous commenter is referring to the bit about “he did not want” rather than using the contraction “he didn’t want to make a scene. But I quite like it as it is because it’s more emphatic. Ryan does NOT want to make a scene.

    The only quibble I’d make is that he says she’s indescribable then goes straight on to describe her. A bit of a contradiction. Something like “He wondered what it was about her that made it impossible for him to walk out on her” might lead into it a bit better?

  8. That last line really makes me want to know more about his back story. Once again, you’ve come up with an excellent snippet.

    • Thanks for your ongoing support, Jessica. I reveal the truth about his dad in the next chapter. I intend to show it as a six.

  9. Nice six, sounds like he’s smitten, even if he hasn’t quite realised it yet!

  10. Carrie Crain

    I enjoyed the simile about the self-defeating coach. This makes me wonder what issues Ryan has with his dad and what attraction Cammy holds in him.

    • The story of Ryan’s dad is interesting, and I reveal more about that in the next chapter. Promise to show it as a six very soon.

  11. Monica Enderle Pierce

    I like this and I like these characters, but I think maybe you’ve tried a bit too hard. A little simplification will probably get you where you want to go.

    Ex. Ryan threw his hands up in self-defeat like a coach watching his team being pummeled.
    You could simplify this to: Ryan threw his hands up like a coach watching his team being pummeled.
    Just a little tighter. Hope that helps. 😀

  12. Nice conflict between his emotions and his common sense.

  13. Your snippet reveals his character wonderfully! Love that last line!

  14. siobhanmuir

    I think this is a good paragraph explaining his perspective. You can tighten it by getting rid of all the “thats” and “was’s”. Removing them makes the writing stronger and more active. The other think that would help is using verbs describing his emotional reactions to Cammy having the watch or walking out on her. I hope that helps. Good six, Frank. 🙂

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