Six Sunday – 11/4/12

 

Another day, another round of Six Sunday. My thoughts and prayers go out to those who were affected by Hurricane Sandy. For those of you unfamiliar with my Six Sunday posts, I share sixes from my novel which I hope to have finished by next year. This week, we focus on the end of my chapter where Ryan and Cammy are about to head off in their separate directions. Cammy still has possession of Ryan’s watch and won’t give it back to him. In turn, Ryan has swapped her flip-flops and insists on keeping them until she gives back the watch. She doesn’t care and walks out of the coffee shop with him in her bare feet. The next few Sundays will focus on this scene.

I will be out for most of the day, so I won’t be able to view your posts until sometime this evening. So here it is:

He shielded his eyes and fumbled for his sunglasses as the blistering, sun’s rays pierced him like a thousand laser beams at once. Still clinging on to the watch, she giggled as he tried to swipe it out of her hand. He walked backwards onto the black pavement of the parking lot, his chest tight as he gritted his teeth.

“Cammy, my dad gave me that watch for my birthday, just give it already!”

Twirling the watch with one finger, she smirked and took two steps forward towards him onto the pavement, neglecting how sizzling it was under the midday sun.

“Whoa! Hot! Hot!” she cried, hopping around on the asphalt, which was more like a red-hot skillet on her soft, dirty soles.

Visit Six Sunday for more snippets from great writers. If you’re a new writer, I recommend this site as it is a great way to meet other writers and get feedback from your stories.

#sixsunday

Categories: Life | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Post navigation

24 thoughts on “Six Sunday – 11/4/12

  1. Jessica Subject

    You show his desperation to get that watch back really well. 🙂

  2. Lovely, descriptive piece, l like the thought of her hopping about, shocked by the heat!

  3. Carrie Crain

    Is the watch a plot point to the story? I like how the searing pavement affects her. I suspect you’re cooking up something hot!

    • the watch is supposed to symbolize that Cammy is relaxed and in no need to be anywhere, whereas Ryan is obessed about being places on time. It may seem corny, but that’s the characters. The main themes of my story are vengence, and letting go of the past.

      • Carrie Crain

        Sure, yeah, I figured the time thing, I was just curious if the actual “physical” watch may be a plot point– progressing the story. 😉

  4. You’ve done a nice job with this scene, it’s very visual. It’s also relateable, I don’t even want to think about the number of times I’ve forgotten I’m barefoot until I’ve stepped on hot asphalt, or gravel. The only hang up I have with this six is your first sentence. It’s feels needlessly wordy and overwritten, something you don’t usually do. I think it would read more smoothly if you dropped a few words. Just a thought 🙂

  5. Cammy needs to relent and let him have the watch back pretty soon. Her unconcern about time is failing to take into account his distress and she’s coming over as unappealingly bratty. At the moment I’m feeling no sympathy for her at all. I’m not sure if that’s the effect that you’re going for.

    • You know, I’m not feeling sympathy for either, I don’t like how she has no consideration for his schedule. In fact, Ryan ends up being late for work and his boss lets him know, which I’ll share in a six soon. Thanks for your comment.

  6. Lovely, as always. I really enjoy your writing.

    • Thanks, actually I’m still new to the writing world and have so much to learn, so it’s nice to know I’m heading in the right direction.

  7. “like a red-hot skillet on her soft, dirty soles.”
    Nice six, Frank.
    Not sure which direction the story will go, but if it’s appropriate, here’s a suggestion.
    Change “soles” to the singular and you’ve got a great double entendre with “soul.”

    • Well, the story is a rollercoaster and because its a WIP, it could go somewhere interesting. Should I just change it to singular ‘sole?’

      • Change it to, “she took one step” and then you’ve only got one foot on the asphalt. You’re writing for a YA audience, right? If you don’t think they’ll make the connection, let Ryan think to himself something along the lines of “I wonder if her heart and soul are as soft and tender as the sole of her foot…”
        I tend to give readers too much credit. My editor said I need to take them by the hand and lead them along.

  8. In a way, he’s today’s clock-driven world, and she’s the past. (By the way, I think “neglecting” isn’t quite the right word–maybe forgetting? She wouldn’t be dancing around when she steps on the pavement if she were neglecting it.

    • You’re right on about them! And thanks, ‘forgetting’ sounds better than ‘neglecting’. I don’t know how these things slip by me.

  9. Hi, Frank. Welcome to the wild world of writing. You’ve got a good “voice” for YA. I, too, like the image of her hopping around on the hot asphalt, and you’ve chosen a fairly unique way to describe it. I’m going to weigh in with a few suggestions. Just remember this is my opinion and we all know what free advice is worth, right? 😉

    …blistering, sun’s rays

    I rather like the image evoked by the first sentence but I’d take out the comma above and “sun’s” to “sun”

    “on to” and “onto” – you use this combination and word several times in these six sentences.

    In the sentence where she was “still clinging on to”, you don’t really need “on.” Simply delete it. In this sentence:

    Twirling the watch with one finger, she smirked and took two steps forward towards him onto the pavement, neglecting how sizzling it was under the midday sun.

    I would edit it to read: Twirling the watch with one finger, she smirked and took two steps forward neglecting how the pavement sizzled under the midday sun.

    Sorry for the “book” – 😆 I’m in the middle of edits and my editor is trying to hammer my unintentional use of repetitious words into my thick skull. Best of luck with this. It sounds like an interesting read.

    • Your advice is welcome and glad that you’ve made suggestions for me. I agree with them and will make the changes. I’m glad that you like my description of her in this situation as it is something a lot of writers might not do. None of my writing has been professionally edited yet, so I’ve had to self-edit in the meantime. How did you find your editor?

      • Hi, Frank, sorry to take so long to get back to you. I’ve worked with three editors at the small press where I was first published. One of the members of my local Romance Writer’s of America chapter is also an editor. There are free-lancers out there. I would advise you to look into local writing groups, visiting their meetings, and see if they “fit.” There’s a lot to be learned about the craft and they can probably put you in touch with editors in your area and genre.

      • sounds good, I’m already a member of several local writing groups and plan to join RWA next year.

  10. I’m visualizing Ryan’s watch flying out of Cammy’s hands when she steps onto the hot pavement. Great scene, Frank! Sorry this is late…had no power or internet after Sandy.

    • You would think that, but she hangs on to it. My post this Sunday continues from the last line, so hopefully you’ll have time to read it. Glad that you have power again…been praying for you guys over there. Take care!

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: