Weekend Writing Warriors – Things get hot for Melissa and Ashley

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Welcome to another day of Weekend Writing Warriors . I hope you’re all having a fabulous Labor Day weekend. I’m continuing to share an eight from Barbecued, my suspense short story. Before I share, I want to thank everyone for their helpful comments last week. This is a first draft, and I kind of wrote in a hurry. It’s my second story writing in first person, but I revise it. We we continue from last week’s snippet where Ashley and Melissa are awaiting their fate from their captor, Emily. Little do they know that things are about to get hot for them. Emily is the first to speak. Here’s the eight:

“Lucy, switch the floor on for mommy,” she said to her daughter on her right. Looking through the skylight, her daughter made a soft grin at us as I kept watch. She leaned over, disappearing from sight and I heard a loud click from above. Instantly, I dipped my head down at the floor, my eyes bulging as it began to glow red with intense heat under my bare feet. The floor continued to glow brighter as Ashley looked down and jerked her feet, feeling the mounting heat burn underfoot. With a blanket of red beneath us, we gaped at each other in horror as the heat became excruciating.

 “Aaaah!!” Ashley cried, as we jumped off the blazing surface and forced to leap wildly in the empty room. The blistering floor was like fire on my feet with every touch as I cried out.

Yikes! What a way to be tortured! I always value your comments. Click on the link above for the official list of participating authors. Have a wonderful weekend!

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34 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors – Things get hot for Melissa and Ashley

  1. burnsmillie

    Oh my goodness, she has her little daughter help her!!! Frank, say it ain’t so! Yikes!

    • I wish I could say no, but it’s true. Her children look up to their mother, but they don’t have exactly the best mother.

      • burnsmillie

        I should say not! Oh, this is some scary stuff!!!

      • Yes, and next week I’ll show you more of their sinister personalities. I know it’s scary, but at least it captures interest.

  2. How scary for Ashley and Melissa.

  3. A lot going on in just a few sentences….

  4. Getting a bit grim here….very intense snippet!

    • Thanks, there’s more to come. This is my first time writing a scene like this, but I think it gains the reader’s interest.

  5. Well done on your 8! Just enough info to capture my interest thru evil mommy-daughter duo and hot foot torture. Holy Moly!

    • Thanks for that comment. I rewrote this so many times before I posted it. I’m even amazed I described the scene without even mentioning hot foot.

  6. Assuming that kid survives, Lucy is going to be warped for life.

    This reminds me of the game ‘the floor is lava,’ only considerably less funny…

    • You’re right about Lucy. I can’t tell you how they get out since it would give away the plot. I’ve heard of that game, but don’t know how its played – Now I feel dumb.

      • It’s pretty simple. Someone yells ‘the floor is lava!’ And then everyone scrambles onto furniture. You have to get out of the ‘lava pit’ by climbing from high spot to high spot.

      • Oh ok. Sounds like a fun game…at least I think kids would like it.

      • It’s one of those games that you look back on as an adult and wonder ‘why was that fun?’

        Like spinning around in circles until one of you gets so dizzy you fall down.

  7. daezarkian

    Nice snippet!

  8. I don’t even like to walk barefoot on hot pavement!

    • Neither do I, it kinda reminds me of once when I had to piggyback my ex-wife after a day at the beach. She had left her shoes in the car, and couldn’t walk on the pavement. I guess this scene would make you really NOT want to walk on a hot pavement.

  9. Oh, how I love a twisted mind. (Also, now my feet hurt. And I kinda want to go to the beach, where the sand burns my feet. But I digress.) Seriously, though, this looks like my kind of read!

    • I’m glad you like it, but now I kinda feel bad that your feet hurt (LOL). I hope you were wearing flip-flops or slippers when you read this. I think nobody would want to endure this kind of torture though. Thanks for your comments.

  10. siobhanmuir

    Man, that sounds hot enough even shoes wouldn’t protect your feet. Scary snippet, Frank. 🙂

    • Thanks Siobhan, I’m glad I got this one right (LOL). Before the girls ended up in the room, they were wearing slippers. But I thought the whole ‘hot foot’ thing would work better if they were barefoot. Plus, readers wouldn’t ask “Oh they’re wearing shoes, how can that burn?”

  11. Don’t write too fast unless you’re completely into your work. And this eight needs a touch-up. Reread and see what can be deleted. What’s your target audience? If it’s very young kids, please not too spooky. The basic idea is interesting-bad mother influencing young daughter. Happy journey ahead, Frank. Writing is a solitary joy.

    • This is meant for new adult fiction, so older kids would like it. Can you suggest some ideas for a touch up? I appreciate your feedback.

  12. I’d say this is horror. Interesting torture. And they do make heated floors now. Wonder how high those get? Creepy stuff Frank. Nice 8!

    History Sleuth’s Milk Carton Murders

  13. What a wicked imagination you’ve got! A floor that burns, wonderful!

    • Well I saw this from a very old TV episode. I’ve always wanted to write something about it, but I’ve tweaked it so it doesn’t look as if I’m plaigarizing. Thanks for your input!

  14. Wow! You have a great imagination, Frank! And your writing is so visual–it gets the job done, going from the mind to the pages! Good 8! 🙂

    • Thank you, I edited this over and over. I actually saw this in an old TV episode once, and I’ve always wanted to write a story that incorporated this scene. I think I’ve done a better job than in the show.

  15. Oh my god, that’s insane! It’s like being burned alive from the bottom and without anything to prevent you to fall. Horrifying!

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