Weekend Writing Warriors – A horrific sight in the chamber

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Welcome to another day of Weekend Writing Warriors .  The rules are simple: post 8 sentences from any work onto your blog before Sunday morning, and comment on other participants eight, so YOU will eventually receive comments.

I’m also participating in Snippet Sunday. I’m sharing more snippets from my short story, Barbecued. We continue from last week’s 8, where Melissa tries to think of a way out when she and her sister are greeted with a surprise. Many thanks to those who commented on my last snippet, and hope to see your comments this week.

Here’s the eight:

 Letting out a shriek from the burning sensation, I frantically rocked my eyes at the walls that confined us, hoping to find some way out of here. The constant hopping drained me, as I felt the bottoms of my feet melt. I heard a loud hissing sound coming from the ground, as Ashley slapped my arm and cried, “Melissa, look!!”

  I quickly turned to see her bulging eyes and pallid face, while pointing to an egg sizzling on the floor by her feet. We gaped in horror at the egg searing on the scorching grid, and I felt tremors in my hands at the sight of white smoke rising off the charred edges. Raising my head, I saw Emily rubbing her palms as she licked her lips. I gazed at the dazzling floor directly under me, and I knew our feet couldn’t take another minute of this blazing heat as I leapt faster. Glancing at the wall behind me, I gasped as I spotted something that could save us.  

 

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Blurb: Melissa and Ashley are watching TV while relaxing on a couch at a country house, rented by their parents. Suddenly it spins them around, dumping them into an empty chamber with steel walls. They are greeted by a sadistic woman and her two daughters, watching them through a skylight in the ceiling (I’ve edited the ages of the daughters; they’re in their early twenties). The woman proceeds to give Mel and Ashley a hot foot by flipping a power switch which super heats the floor in the room (the floor is metallic and has heating elements). Since the girls were inside the house, they are in their bare feet. The girls leap and jump as the heat mounts, as the woman watches them dance.

* I took the photo of the frying egg one morning. It’s not exactly like the one in the snippet, but you get the idea. Thought it would be a nice touch.

Next week we’ll see what Melissa has spotted and if it can actually save them. I won’t have as much time to comment on other snippets today, but I really appreciate your helpful comments. I’ll do my best to visit everyone’s eight. Click on the link above for the official list of participating authors. Have a wonderful weekend!

#8Sunday

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51 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors – A horrific sight in the chamber

  1. That’s truly horrific Frank. You are making us wait another week to see how they get out of this?

  2. If it’s a giant spatula . . . just kidding!

    What kind of psychotic personality throws a raw egg on the floor of a torture chamber? Can’t wait to find out!

  3. Nice hook, Frank.
    I hope he saw something more than a spatula…

  4. A Hook in the wall? Exciting snippet looking forward to reading what it is he has spotted!

  5. Oh, no. They’re being cooked!

  6. Melting feet, rocking eyes? Oh Frank, this isn’t for faint of heart. HELP!

  7. Well thank goodness there’s a glimmer of hope! Such an intense story…

  8. Horrifying! I so glad you gave us a some hope for the two. 🙂

    • Thanks, I thought it would be appropriate to have some hope at the end. I think you’d agree that they’ve suffered enough torture.

  9. Wow, Emily is an evil creature…intense! Well, done.

  10. Can’t wait to see what she’s found.

  11. Your kidding, right? *head in hands* Frank? You’re killing me here. I spend more time during the week trying to figure out how you are going to get your gals out of their pickle, than getting my own chars out of theirs! Great 8, though, in keeping me on the edge of my seat!

    • Well it’s good when I can do that to you…a mentor once said don’t give away too much info. But next week you’ll see what Melissa spots. Unfortunately, I can’t say how they will get out, because the story is unpublished.

  12. Great pacing and love how the snippet left me wanting more, but I’m creeped out because now I want some eggs, lol. 🙂

    • Sorry to make you lose your appetite, but I’m glad you like the pace. This needs to be shown, and I don’t want to give away too much information. I’ve always wanted to write a story with this kind of plot.

  13. This is deliciously sick! I can’t wait to see what saves them, but in the meantime I’m really enjoying this. (I’m a huge fan of horror. HUGE.)

    • I can see that you are a fan of horror, but when you first saw this weeks ago, I thought you were kind of freaked out. I didn’t want to point out what exactly might save them, since it would give away too much.

  14. Pulling Emily down and assuming her daughters would save her? (Questionable assumption,considering how she’s raised them.) BTW, I doubt if the floor would look “dazzling.” More like the red of a stove burner at high heat. Steel melts at yellow heat

    • No not quite what they would do. It’s something else that could save them. Thanks for the suggestion about the stove burner comparison. I didn’t know how else to describe it…dazzling was the only thing I could think of.

  15. Sherry Gloag

    Spooky, I admit I can’t work out what she’s seen. Great snippet.

    • I knew you couldn’t, I didn’t want to give it away since it’s better to leave the readers wanting to know more. Glad you like it.

  16. They really are in deep trouble. Glad there’s a glimmer of hope or they’be be fried to a crisp.

  17. Whoa, Emily is dang creepy. It’s almost like she wants to eat that egg. Gross…

    The picture is a nice touch, by the way.

    • Thanks Caitlin. Emily is creepy, but she doesn’t want to eat the egg. She’s just mocking the girls by showing how hot the floor is (like they don’t already know).

      • Whenever people say it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk, it usually isn’t.

        This time it was…

        And I’m glad to hear she’s not quite that deranged.

      • Yeah, that’s a bit cliche. I think this is better. She is deranged, but not THAT deranged.

  18. Emily is enjoying this. Evil girl. Great 8. The only sentence that threw me was “I frantically rocked my eyes”. The word “rock” gave me a different image in my head.

    • I meant to say that she was rapidly scanning the room for an exit, I guess I chose the wrong word. I’m kinda bad at finding the right words.

  19. They’re in trouble now! Intense.

  20. Arrrrgh!! Something???? lol, you let us hanging with “something that could save us”??? lol. Good snippet, Frank. Lots of action. Very descriptive. Fluid scene.

    • Well, that’s what I learned in a writing workshop – leave your reader wanting more. If I had said what it was, then it would’ve spoiled the surprise. Glad you liked it.

  21. Oh my god! It’s hot enough to cook and egg. Can they still be standing ? I wonder what can save them.

  22. Ok, so I did a bit of research and you need 158 deg F to cook and egg. In water at 160 deg F, adult skin would get a 2nd & 3rd degree burns in half a second. (Sorry I’m still a scientist ;P)
    I guess they can’t jump for too long now. I’m interested in what will follow. I must smell like roasted pig in there. lol

  23. Hot hot hot, you’re so terrible! 😉 Thanks for sharing this, great sensory detail and emotional writing.

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