Weekend Writing Warriors – Melissa and Ashley spot a life-saver

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Welcome to another day of Weekend Writing Warriors . The rules are simple: post 8 sentences from any work onto your blog before Sunday morning, and comment on other writers.

Continuing from last week’s eight, Melissa has just spotted something that might save her and her sister from having their feet severely burned. See if your guesses match. If this is your first visit to my snippets, previous 8’s can be found here:

Snippet # 1

Snippet # 2

Here’s the eight:

“Look, a water pipe!” I cried to Ashley, while pointing at a green pipe running along the wall. She turned to it and gasped, before shouting, “Like how are we gonna get it open?”

As I focused on the metallic exterior of the pipe, I glimpsed at my bare hands. Given we had no other choice, I had to try – my high school basketball coach always told me I’d never know unless I tried.

“I can get it open,” I yelled, as I jumped towards the pipe and grabbed hold of it with both hands, yanking it with every ounce of strength in my muscles. With her jaw dropped, Ashley traded horrific looks between the pipe and the stove burner red below as she continued to ‘dance’.  Pulling harder, I pictured icy, cool water spewing onto this giant frying pan and soothing my poor feet, as I strained my face. Ashley let out a deafening cry, and I heard a roar of taunting laughter from above. 

Seems impossible, no? If you’re wondering why they didn’t grab onto the pipe in the first place, that wouldn’t have worked. They didn’t notice before, and besides they could only hang on for so long. Sorry to keep you all hanging, but I can only fit in so much in eight sentences. Next week will be the last snippet I share from this story. Anymore after that, and I’ll be giving the whole plot away. Remember, this is unpublished and unedited. As always, I love your comments/suggestions.

Click on the link above for the complete list of participating authors. If you are new to Weekend Writing Warriors, I suggest you visit some of my favorite writers: Sarah Ballance, Monica Enderle Pierce, Veronica Scott, Chip Etier, Sarah Cass, Caitlin Stern and Linda Hamonou. Have a great weekend! I’m also participating on Facebook’s Snippet Sunday.

#8Sunday

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38 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors – Melissa and Ashley spot a life-saver

  1. way keep the tease going. I was hoping they’d escape today but now I have to wait til next week. loved all the snippets for this work

  2. ‘Hot’ eight, Frank. Consider dropping ‘straned my face’ and it’s good.

  3. Oh so cruel! Tense eight, I am really enjoying this!

  4. Well I’m glad there’s finally a glimmer of hope for them! Whew! Terrific snippet in this tense story.

  5. Was the pipe an oversight by the Psycho, or deliberate, to test them? This is getting better and better!

    • Emily is aware about the pipe, but only she’s not worried about it, if you can believe it. Thanks for your comments.

  6. Oh my goodness, such torture. Will it ever end?

  7. siobhanmuir

    Oh dear, that’s not good. I think you can get rid of the dialog tags and just use their names with actions. It will make your writing smoother and make the reader focus on the tension. If they’re in the same room with each other, they probably don’t need to yell unless there’s loud sounds going on. Trust your dialog to convey their urgency. Good snippet, Frank. 🙂

  8. Their pain and fear comes across.

  9. This snippet certainly keep both the characters and the reader on their toes with heart thumping. Nice job.

    • Thanks, Susan. It keeps the readers on their toes, but I’m not so sure about my characters considering they’re enduring a hot foot (lol).

  10. Wow, intense snippet. Frustrating cliff hanger ending though. Nicely done, Frank.

  11. “…a roar of taunting laughter from above.”

    The perfect line for the perfect situation.
    Kudos!

  12. I cannot wait for this book, Frank! Every snippet you’ve blogged has wrenched up the tension on this scene. Very well done.l

    • It will be a short story, but to be honest I’m not sure I will publish it. I think some people might object to reading about teenage girls hopping around on a hot floor.

  13. Nice tease–a glimpse of hope, but we’re not home free yet. She better get that pipe broken before the crazy lady watching decides to intervene.

  14. Hi Frank, I agree with Siobhan about dropping the tag lines. Most of the time, tag lines pulls the reader out of the action. Intense snippet. It makes me root for these two. You keep stringing me along. Good job.

  15. It will be interesting to see if this works as planned…

  16. burnsmillie

    Oh, the agony of de-feet : ) These two are enduring an everlasting hot foot Frank! You are a mean mean writer : ) I’m not sure the pipe is going to be their salvation…are you that cruel?

    • I don’t mean to be cruel, but this scene needs to be shown. It is after all psychological horror. This torture ends very soon for them, but they don’t get out of there the way you might think.

  17. historysleuth1

    I’m wondering how much more their feet could actually take. But a humans will to survive is strong. I think her breaking the water pipe is believable if its that plastic PVC stuff, would she be strong enough for metal? Is the green corroded copper?

    Tense story you got here Frank. Whew!

    History Sleuth’s Milk Carton Murders

    • I’m not sure if the pipe is corroded copper, but it’s the plastic type. Metal would be impossible to break. Melissa is athletic and plays basketball so she’d be strong enough. But when you are in a desperate situation, you’ll try anything I guess. Their feet can’t take much more burning, so they have to try and break the pipe.

  18. Wow, is it really water in the pipe?

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