Weekend Writing Warriors – One Bad Turn Deserves Another

8 sentences from a writing piece every Sunday, and that’s how Weekend Writing Warriors work. So glad you’ve visited my blog to read my eight. It is the first round of Weekend Writing Warriors in spring; hopefully, some of you are experiencing spring-like weather, because I’m not in my parts. I’m sharing an eight from my YA horror short story, The Burning Night.

This eight continues from my last eight, although I’m skipping a bit to get to the good stuff. My main character, Melissa, is in the basement with her younger sister, Ashley, when Melissa hears some disturbing noises from the other end of the basement. Ashley thinks it’s just the furnace, but Melissa isn’t convinced. After investigating the noise and unable to find the source, Ashley convinces her to come back and sit on the couch, where she is watching TV. As you will see, this turns out to be a mistake.

On with the eight:

Letting out a long sigh, I shuffled to the couch, kicked off my flip-flops and sat back down while murmuring, ‘Just relax, Melissa…Just rise above it!’  My little sister wrapped an arm around me as her warm sisterly embrace put me at ease. “Look, just chill, there’s, like, nothin’ to worry about.”

Suddenly, we rapidly swung around through an open frame in the wall behind us as the force threw us from the couch. The next thing I knew, we were dashing uncontrollably towards a grey wall ahead as our feet thumped against a frigid metal floor. I shielded myself with my forearm, hoping the impact wouldn’t hurt. An audible thud sounded as we hit the steel wall and grunted, before dropping to the ground. Unable to find my voice, I gaped at a grey wall ten feet away from me as my arm throbbed in pain.

Melissa would’ve likely said, “You were saying?” As you can see, things have taken a turn for the worst for these girls, and this is only the beginning. I’d love to know what you think, keep in mind that this a first draft. I hope I got the couch spinning them around part OK. Click on Weekend Writing Warriors for the complete list of participating authors.

I’m also participating on Facebook’s Snippet Sunday. I look forward to reading your posts as well.

Have a great Sunday!

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34 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors – One Bad Turn Deserves Another

  1. Scary stuff there, Frank–great snippet. Can’t wait to see what happens next.

  2. This is terrifically sudden—no warning, no nothing. I think it’s a great jolt for the reader!

  3. I like the suddenness of the couch tossing them into peril. Great 8!

  4. Cool, that’s quite an abrupt change from the first cozy paragraph to the dangerous action that follows

    • I couldn’t have it stay cozy throughout the story. This definitely changes things and I hope you will tune in to see more.

  5. I like the unexpected jolt into action. My only critique would be that “Suddenly, we rapidly” sounds a bit odd.

  6. Oh my, exciting stuff! Very visual snippet.

  7. siobhanmuir

    Too bad Melissa was right. Good scene. I think I’d change “dashing uncontrollably” to “sliding” or “skidding” or even “slammed” to make it more active. “Dashing” is often a human motion and this time the couch is moving them. Heart pounding, Frank. 🙂

  8. Am I the only one who thinks of Scooby Doo episodes when I read about the couch?

    And I’m confused (I’m also sleep deprived so take this with a grain of salt — or a shaker of salt, whichever strikes your fancy) but I got lost somewhere between being thrown from the couch and suddenly dashing (running?) toward a wall…

    *stares at empty Diet Pepsi bottle* Maybe I just need more caffeine…

    • No you’re right. I already got an earlier comment about that and have made the changes. I’ve never actually seen Scooby Doo, so I can’t relate the couch to that.

  9. Oh wow! That was sudden! I was expecting something to happen,but definitely not the couch tossing them around.
    The only thing I found a little awkward was the first line “Suddenly, we rapidly swung around through an open frame in the wall behind us as the force threw us from the couch.” Like someone mentioned, I think the “suddenly, we rapidly” looks a bit funny, and I’d maybe consider changing “the force” to “a force”, since Melissa doesn’t exactly know what hit her, no?
    Looking forward to more!

    • Thanks for that Elyzabeth. I received similar comments about that part and have made the changes. But I do like your suggestion, so I just might use that one.

  10. Great snippet. The sudden movement definitely made my heart pound. It is probably just me, but I am not quite sure if the two girls are flying through the air or if they are sliding along the floor. You mention their feet bumping the floor (which makes me think slide), but then they hit the wall and slide to the ground. And did they bounce off the wall for it to be 10 ft away? As I said, it’s probably just me;). Well done.

    • Thanks for your suggestion. I got similar critiques about that, and made the change accordingly. I think I should use sliding instead. As for the last sentence, I meant to say that they hit the wall and now they’re looking at another wall that has them trapped.

  11. burnsmillie

    Oh boy, I think there is something to worry about girls!

  12. Good snippet, Frank. I’m concerned about that metal floor. Could it be the cooking surface in a torture chamber??? 🙂

    One thing I noticed was the word “sister and sisterly embrace used so close together. Since in the previous sentence, you identified Melissa, you could prolly remove “my little sister” and replace it with “she” without adding confusion. Just an idea. 🙂

    In my snippet today, someone just suggested that I not use the word “know” twice in two sentences. I was blind to my own work. If I’d taken the time to read it out loud, I might have caught it. 🙂 I’m always so grateful for the wewriwa feedback. I think our writers are just the most incredible people.

    • Yes Teresa, you should be concerned about the metal floor, because that’s exactly why it is. The poor girls just don’t know it yet. You’ll see a little more description about it next week.

      And thank you for your suggestion, I overlooked that and have made the change. I haven’t actually read mine out loud yet, but will. It’s so nice to have that feedback from Wewria.

  13. I can’t figure out the couch. My first thought was that the wall opened up and the couch rotated backward though it, but that would have tumbled them, not given them a push while keeping them more or less upright. What axis did the couch rotate around?

    • It rotated at a 180 degree angle then it returned to it’s regular position, but by then the girls were trapped in the other room.

  14. Sometimes the weird noises are the furnace, or the house settling, or squirrels. And sometimes they’re something much scarier!

    Nice description of her emotional state at the end. Scared and confused and in pain. You can sense things are going to get worse.

  15. It’s like a dream. Hope they can get out.

  16. WHAT??? You’ve never seen Scooby Doo??? Uh… Please pause whilst I pick my jaw up from the ground… A childhood favorite of mine (before Scrappy showed up on the scene).

    The snippet got my heart pounding and was full of action. Great job with that!

    I just got a little confused with the same part others mentioned. I wasn’t sure if the couch hit the wall or they hit the wall because they were running from being scared?

    • Sorry, Scooby Doo was before my time. I grew up with Bugs Bunny and Tom & Jerry. I had a different upbringing. Sorry if you were confused, but basically the couch span them around through the wall and the were running because the force threw them off the sofa.

  17. Wow! What is going on here? Creepy and realistic sounding. Wonder what has the power to do that to them? Very interesting.

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