Weekend Writing Warriors – Things Are Getting Grim

Are you a published/unpublished writer? Have a writing piece you want to share? Want to meet other writers? Then come to Weekend Writing Warriors! Thanks for stopping by. Here’s another eight from The Burning Night. We continue from my last eight, though I’m skipping a few lines in the scene because I can only participate in a few more rounds of W.W.W. (May is going to be a busy month for me!)

Set-up: Melissa and Ashley have been trapped in an empty room, and find out they’re not alone; three women watching down on them from a skylight in the ceiling suddenly greet them. Emily, a middle-aged woman and her twenty-something daughters, Ally and Jessie. These women have been watching the girls using hidden cameras in the house, and intend to torment them (Emily actually owns the house). The women are taunting Melissa when Ashley suddenly snaps at them. She’s the first to speak.

On with the eight:

“Look you cows, I dunno what your deal is, but don’t you mess with my sister or I’ll kick your ass! So back off and let us outta here, got it!”

My mouth hung open in awe, as I stared at the tight, wolf-like expression on my little sister that earned us a trio of sneers from the women. With a mild frown and casual tone, Emily replied, “Respect your elders, young lady…and you’re not goin’ anywhere.”

She rubbed her palms and her face turned into a spongy evil grin like the witch from the Wizard of Oz. “Melissa and Ashley…your time has come!”

I trembled and cringed, the hair lifting on my arms while Ashley grimaced, her shaky hands hanging by her hips. With a chilly voice, Emily declared, “Prepare yourselves for a monstrous hot foot!”

 

A hot foot? I’d be cringing if I were the teens. Next week you will see what happens. Why does she torment them and how does she know her names? Let’s just say Melissa and Ashley’s father helped send Emily’s husband to twenty years in prison (this is how she knew the girls’ names). I’ll share snippets which reveal how she knows so much about them later on down the road.

I’d love your feedback and look forward to reading your snippets. I would like to thank everyone for their helpful critiques last week, and I think my story is going to be more powerful as a result. (I am still a newbie writer though!)

I’m also participating on Facebook’s Snippet Sunday.

Have a great Sunday!

#8Sunday

weekend_writing_warriorsveteransbadge_4

Categories: Weekend Writing Warriors | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Post navigation

55 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors – Things Are Getting Grim

  1. That was really scary, Frank! I love the line about the witch in the Wizard of Oz. These women sound like real bullies and I hate bullies. Great job!

  2. It get’s scarier? Wow this is scary enough for me. Great snippet.

  3. I think part of the reason this is so frightening is that we don’t know what they did or didn’t do to warrant this kind of attack.

    It’s scarier to think that they might not have done anything . . .

    • Well much of that is revealed a few lines before this snippet, as well as towards the end of the story. I can’t say exactly why since this story hasn’t been published yet. They didn’t do anything directly, but that’s not how Emily sees it – she’s just demented.

  4. Super good eight, Frank. I felt the fear from the kids and fury from the others.

    • Thanks, I edited this several times before I got it right. I couldn’t think of a better way to capture the moment. Hope you will tune in next week for more.

  5. awesome, can’t wait until the next one! 🙂

  6. Dark and dangerous, you painted a vivid scene, great eight!

  7. Love the Oz reference. Loads of emotion right there, almost palpable, which is really good. Giving them a hot foot is more petty mischief than anything really terrible, so this girl is not out to seriously hurt them, not in the sense that she might be maiming them or going full-on psycho, so maybe there’s a way out of this before it gets too nasty or ugly. Or not. Maybe she’s just getting started…either way, these girls ought to be plenty scared. Good stuff!

    • This is just getting started. I love your input and theory behind this, so I hope you visit my blog next week for the following snippet.

  8. owlladywriter

    Oh my goodness, Frank. This is delightfully creepy. I’m disappointed that the excerpt ended!

    • I’m disappointed I had to end it this way as well. But it sure leaves readers wanting more, dontcha think?

  9. Interesting snippet, Frank. Scary but curious. It will be interesting to see where you’re going with this.

  10. Oh I definitely get that Emily is demented, which makes the whole situation even more scary. Well done!

    • I wanted to share earlier scenes of her demented attitude, but thought this would move things forward.

  11. Very imaginative. The women spying on the girls from above is really creepy.

  12. Oh crap…this is so damn scary, Emily is a freak, and so are her daughters…

  13. I love the reversal of roles — the little sister standing up for the big sister.

  14. This whole idea of revenge on the relatives, scary though it is, is all too common in the world.

  15. I like it…very scary! I want to know what happens next for sure.

  16. Karen Michelle Nutt

    Fantastic visual here! What a spitfire! Love it!

  17. Yep, I rather deal with the paranormal demons than the real life crazies!

  18. Definitely a scary situation. I liked the little sister standing up for her big sister.

    • Me too. I thought this would bring Ashley into the scene because in an earlier version of the story it was Melissa doing all the talking.

  19. chellecordero

    how mean to terrify those girls – good for Ashley to speak up, I hope she keeps her resolve going.

  20. How long have the crazy trio been spying on them? *shiver* I hope the girls make it out of there…though, how, I have no clue!

    • That is answered in an earlier scene. They’ve been spying on them since they walked into the house, but it is only when the girls are dumped in the room that they reveal themselves.

  21. elainecsc2013

    Uh oh. I’d be very worried.

  22. I like how they go from defiant to scared when Emily makes it clear that she doesn’t care about them.

    Not sure about the use of ‘monstrous’ to describe ‘hot foot,’ though. It means ‘unfair’ and ‘cruel,’ too, and I wouldn’t expect Emily to label herself that way. She feels justified, after all.

    • Glad you liked it and thanks for pointing out that bit about the monstrous hot foot. I meant for her to say big or ultimate hot foot. Could you give me some suggestions for a different adjective?

      • “Ultimate’ would work, I think. Or maybe “supreme?” Or “maximum?” “Momentous” or “monumental” might work too, depending on how pompous you want Emily to sound.

        I ❤ a thesaurus. 🙂

      • I love your suggestions. I remember that you have a Masters in English, which makes me a little sheepish since I teach ESL. Basically, I want Emily to tell them that they are going to get the hot foot to end all hot feet. But your adjectives work better. Thanks again!

      • Hey, hats off to you for your job. I’ve tutored ESL students, and it’s quite a challenge.

        It’s always easier to spot a weakness in some else’s writing. Glad to help.

  23. Interesting snippet! I don’t know what a hot foot is, so I am more confused than scared, but I am sure it will be explained;). Secondly I struggled with “her face turned into a spongy evil grin”. You have her face turning into a grin. Maybe the grin stretches across her face, maybe her face carries an evil grin, but I don’t believe a face can turn into a grin.

    • I like your suggestion about the grin part and I’ve made the change accordingly. You’re the first person that I’ve met that doesn’t know what a hot foot is, but you’ll find out next week for sure. In a general context, let’s just say it happens when you step barefoot onto a pavement on a really hot day (LOL).

  24. This is getting very interesting! Wonder if the girls can take care of themselves. Hope so!

    • Next week’s snippet gets scary, and it’s going be a difficult situation for the girls. Stay tuned!

  25. “a monstrous hot foot” that’s hilarious.

  26. Gem

    It sounds like little sister is ready to take on the tormentors. Great 8!

  27. The Oz reference works so well here, as I remember the witch viewing Dorothy and the gang from her crystal ball and cackling how she was sending out the flying monkeys. Yikes!

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: