Weekend Writing Warriors – Spare My Sister, Please!

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Hello/Buenos días and welcome to Weekend Writing Warriors! I hope you are having a wonderful Sunday wherever you may be. It’s 35 today in Seville, where I am (that’s 95 F I think). But meh, Seville is such a beautiful city, it’s worth standing the heat. Today, I’m sharing an eight from my YA horror, The Burning Night.

Set up: My heroines, Melissa and Ashley, are being tortured by Emily and her two daughters, Ally and Jessie. From a skylight, the three women are watching Mel and Ashley continuously leap barefoot on a red-hot floor, thus enduring an endless hot foot! Melissa can’t stand watching her younger sister suffer so she tries reason with Emily.

The eight:

 

My little sister let out an ear-splitting shriek as she leapt in the air with both feet. Listening to her constant cries of anguish drilled my eardrums as well as crumble my insides.         

“Oh my God,” I uttered as I watched her poor feet repeatedly touching the glowing grid. This was way too cruel for a sixteen-year-old girl and I knew her tootsies couldn’t take much more of this blazing heat.

“Pl-please Emily, don’t do th-this to her…to-torture me, j-just let my b-baby si-sister go!” I pleaded, the intense pain underfoot killing me. Ashley gave me a blank look, not getting why I was willing to sacrifice myself for her. With a scornful grin, Emily slowly shook their head as her daughters snickered.

“Damn it, sh-she’s just a kid, she di-didn’t do any-thing to you!”

 

Emily can’t possibly be any crueller than that! Poor Ashley. What will the girls do now? You’ll find out what happens next week. As always, I’d love to know what you think. For the official list of participating authors, click on Weekend Writing Warriors.

I’m going to a soccer match later today, but I will do the best to get around to everyone’s snippets. I’ve been doing great since I arrived in Spain and I’m enjoying the new lifestyle. There will be a week or two where I can’t participate on W.W.W. but I’ll give you plenty of notice of when that happens.

Have a great Sunday!

 

 

 

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30 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors – Spare My Sister, Please!

  1. Karen Michelle Nutt

    How horrible. My feet hurt just thinking about the torture. Poor girl.

  2. Hey Frank 🙂 Spain, *sigh* I’m kind of swooning just thinking about it!

    Tiny typo in the first paragraph: “crumble” should be “crumbled”. Near the end, you’ve got “Emily slowly shook >>their<< head"

    Those women are horrible, but believable! Melissa's a sweetie. I'm not sure about "tootsies"–to me that has a lighthearted feel that clashes with the situation. But maybe that's just me. I'm looking forward to next week, I want to know what Emily thinks of Melissa's plea.

    • Thanks for pointing out the typos. I was kind of in a hurry to get this snippet live and it’s not easy when you’re in a new country. Spain is going great, but the heat is a challenge.

      I only used ‘tootsies’ as a way to avoid saying feet over and over. But I suppose I can leave it out.

  3. It’s nice to see the side of Melissa’s character that’s willing to sacrifice herself for her sister. This scene also makes me wonder what she did to Emily to incur such wrath. I hope they get away soon!

    • Melissa has a weakness for her sister and would go through the fire for her. I haven’t shared the scene where Emily explains why she’s mad at the girls, so don’t feel confused.

  4. Really a modern day Grimm’s Fairy Tale! Can’t wait to see what happens next. On the edge of my seat, great 8!

  5. Nasty! But of course what better way to torture someone than through someone close to them? I somehow doubt that appealing to reason is going to work.

    • Emily believes that the best way to get at someone is by attacking their heart. And no, she’s isn’t going let Ashley go.

  6. Things are getting worse! Hope they get out soon, well described snippet.

  7. Yikes, definitely cruel! her distress is clear here!

  8. Well, you have them in an impossible situation.

  9. Yeah, I don’t think she;s going to have much luck finding sympathy from someone who’d torture a couple of kids for such a flimsy reason.

    I’m not sure about the stuttering on “to-torture,” though. At first I read it as two words. But even if I didn’t make that mistake, the first sound in ‘torture’ is ‘tor,’ isn’t it? And that’s a different ‘o’ sound than ‘to.’

    • Melissa is stuttering only because of the burning sensation, that’s why I showed it this way.

      • Oh, sorry, that’s not what I meant. I get the stuttering, it makes sense to me.

        Just when you say it aloud, I think “tor-torture” sounds more right than “to-torture.”

      • I’ve made the changes, thanks.

  10. This is all so creepy in the most excellent way—and I really want to understand Emily’s motivation!

  11. chellecordero

    Very cruel, yikes. I felt for both of them. The word tootsies did detract though, if you don’t want to say feet too often, maybe just “her poor skin” or such

  12. burnsmillie

    Well Frank, this lady is a sicko for sure. I agree on the use of tootsies with Marcia and Chelle. It pulled me from the story. The other thing I am wondering…Melissa seems pretty calm overall while this is happening and she’s being tortured with the hot foot treatment as well? Also, how blistered are their feet? Are they third degree burns yet? Because if it’s that hot…soon it won’t hurt because the nerve endings are destroyed. Have a blast in Spain!

    • I made the changes with the ‘tootsies’ bit. You certainly have asked quite a few questions. Melissa is suffering a great deal, but it’s the narrative that is making it seem like she’s calm. Also, she is quite strong because she is an athlete in high school. I think I made her pain stand out in the previous snippets. Their feet are already blistered and won’t escape unharmed. I see your point and would like to know how I could improve on this. Any suggestions. I always value your feedback.

  13. burnsmillie

    I think you should do some research on burns. What temps create 1st, 2nd, and 3rd degree burns. Make sure this is plausible. Whether she’s an athlete or not, if her feet are being blistered more and more every second, she will be screaming out in pain, not calm and cool. I just think about how painful just a little burn on a finger is when you touch a hot pan, and how long that pain lasts. It is a minuscule injury compared to what these girls are feeling, and that amount of pain will put them in shock, and that will bring about a host of other complications…

    • Thanks Millie. I have been researching burns, and I’ve already edited this to make it plausible. I’m going to change how hot the floor is, because I’ve been making it seem hotter than it actually is. I am aware of what burns can do. With time, I’ll make this whole story realistic. I do appreciate your feedback – REALLY I DO.

      • burnsmillie

        You know I wouldn’t say anything unless I wanted you to make it better : ) Sometimes it takes several edits to get all the wrinkles ironed out : ) I may be more critical as I work in the healthcare environment…so might be looking at it with medical worker’s eyes that are harsher than someone who has no education in the area.

      • Thanks Millie. I know you’re just trying to help – and you are. I’m glad I’ve got someone with medical eyes, because I don’t have that kind of experience. This story is going to take a year to edit. I do want to make it all plausible and your points have been dead on. Thanks again for your critiques.

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