Weekend Writing Warriors/#8Sunday – So Mature!

weekend_writing_warriorsveteransbadge_4

 

 

 

Welcome to the midsummer portion of Weekend Writing Warriors. It feels strange now that the World Cup is over (sigh). I hope you are having a great weekend so far. I’ve been volunteering at a local beer festival this weekend. Thanks to everyone who commented on my previous snippet. I’m sharing an eight from, The Burning Night. This eight picks up a few lines from last week’s snippet.

Set-up: Melissa and Ashley are relaxing on the bed in Melissa’s room. Ashley asks Melissa what’s bothering her and she answers by complaining about the house. Ashley reminds Melissa about her difficulties with their father. Melissa is the first to speak as she makes her case about her dad.

The eight:

 

“He’s just pissed that I’m going to U.C.L.A. and not Syracuse, like he always wanted…big deal. He sooo doesn’t get it, it’s him that’s got the problem not me!”

“Typical Melissa Lauren Murdock…it’s always someone else’s fault,” she clucked her tongue and gave me a condescending smile. Crossing my arms, I raised my brows at her for using my middle name as well as being ‘Little Miss Daddy’s Girl’. Given that her legs were outstretched beside me, it was tempting to just grab them and tickle her feet, which she would’ve hated. My conscience butted in, so I snatched a slipper off her right foot and tossed it against the door. Shifting her head, she watched as her shoe bounced off the door and plopped on the ground. Wiggling her toes, she shook her head and quipped, “So mature.”

 

Do you agree with Ashley? I know I do! I’ll share a few snippets as to why Melissa hates the house soon. In case you’re wondering about Melissa and Ashley being alone in the house: their parents want to spend the evening in the local town, but Melissa didn’t want to go. Being eighteen, her father feels she is old enough to be home and look after Ashley.

I welcome your feedback and look forward to reading your snippets today, however I won’t get to this until the evening since I’m volunteering today. I will be absent from next week’s W.W.W. as I will be in Los Angeles visiting a friend of mine there. Click on the above link for the official list of participating authors.

 

 

Categories: Weekend Writing Warriors | Tags: , , , , ,

Post navigation

39 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors/#8Sunday – So Mature!

  1. Aw Frank, you capture these girls perfectly! Love the little details like the urge to tickle and Ashley’s toe wiggling. Those really make the excerpt sparkle. Your writing is so *not* bland 🙂

    One typo–plop should be plopped. And maybe delete the second mention of the door, since we know what the slipper bounced off of and that would avoid a rhyme with “floor”.

    Hope you have tons of fun visiting your friend! 🙂

  2. Fun and so typical of teens. You’ve captured the feeling. Well done.

  3. It reads very believable–the way siblings behave toward each. A tinge of competitiveness (for parental affection) but much love between them. It conveys an easiness in their relationship. Good 8, Frank! 🙂

  4. So, her conscience kicked in…but only a little bit! 🙂 Great interactions.

  5. burnsmillie

    Very well written teenage girl interaction. I could almost see it!

  6. siobhanmuir

    Sounds definitely like sisters, always pushing each other’s buttons. Good snippet, Frank.

  7. You’ve definitely captured two teenage girls and how they hang out! Great job!

  8. I think you show us the sisterly relationship very effectively here and I like the foreshadowing about the slipper and the feet (since we know what’s coming later). Great snippet!

    • I’m happy you liked it. I kind of laughed when I wrote this scene, but actually the slipper isn’t related to what happens to them later.

  9. I thought the interaction between the sisters was cute. I had a little sister myself, and sometimes the relationship is a bit antagonistic 😄 I think you captured the spirit of a sibling relationship really well here.

    I liked this line, “My conscience butted in. . . ” I’ve never heard it phrased that way, but it’s fun and unique 🙂

    The one thing I’m unsure of is the whole U.C.L.A. I attended a UC school, and it was always abbreviated UC Davis, UC Berkeley, UCLA, etc. On their official site this is how they abbreviate it: http://www.ucla.edu/ UCLA and UC Berkeley are really hard to get into. They are known as being the hardest two of the UC’s to get into. I know because I attended one of them 😄 So I’m guessing she’s very smart?

    Also, I don’t know if it was mentioned in a previous excerpt, but who didn’t want her to go to Syracuse? Her dad?

    • I can change the abbreviation. As for the Syracuse bit, it’s her dad that wanted her to go. Melissa mentions it in the snippet.

  10. Perfect last line – so mature. Can just hear her say it.

  11. Perfect last line.= – so mature. I can hear her say it.
    If this is posted twice it’s because the first time it disappeared.

  12. LOL Love the sisterly banter! It’s very real!

  13. Definitely sounds like sisters! Though I would say they sound a little bit younger than 18, in my opinion 🙂 Great snippet!

    • Ashley is 16, but I’ve known 18 year-olds that have acted this way.

      • Oh, ok. That is true! Everyone is different 🙂 I guess I am a little biased being 19 myself. But great snippet!

      • You’re not being biased, you just notice this more because you’re closer in age to the chars. I’m happy you liked it and hope you’ll continue to read more that I post.

  14. Sisters bring out a lot of things in each other, but maturity isn’t often one of them.

    Believe me. 🙂

  15. Gves us some much-needed background on the girls.

  16. Fun snippet. You captured their banter and personalities well.

  17. Well, it is her choice what school she goes to. But I wonder if her father has other reasons to want her to go to a different one…

    • He wants her to be closer to home, as well he hates the fact that he’ll have to pay out-of-state tuition.

  18. Great dialogue. You show how how two sisters really would interact. Well done.

  19. Great, realistic interactions between sisters. I can see it. To ease the read, I would break up the second paragraph into a new paragraph when you shift the action away from sister and to the MC crossing her arms, and then again at “Shifting her head.” Even if no one is speaking, changing the action from one character to another needs a new paragraph. Thanks for stopping by.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: