Weekend Writing Warriors – Perky Ashley

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Welcome to Weekend Writing Warriors. The rules: 8 sentences from a published story or WIP, and that’s it. I had a great time in L.A. last week; I even went down to a town, south of Tijuana, Mexico (my friend has a condo there and knows the area). I’m sharing another eight from, The Burning Night, a YA novella (it started out as a short story, but I needed more words to tell it). This eight occurs before my last snippet and is an edited version of one I shared a few weeks ago.

Set-up: While Melissa is relaxing in her room, her younger sister, Ashley, comes skipping into the room, all perky and cheerful. She glances at Melissa’s flip-flops by the door, and then gives her a slack look. Ashley speaks first.

The eight:

 

“Flip-flops? Uh, hello, we’re not at the beach!”

“They’re for wearin’ around this dumb house…you know I don’t like slippers,” I deadpanned.

“Along with everything else you hate in life…you poor kid,” she said. I knew she was just trying to push my buttons, so I kept my mouth shut, hoping she would get the hint. She danced around the room, snapping her fingers while shifting from foot to foot.

        “I kissed a girl, I liked it,” she singsonged, giving me a wink as she neared my bed. “Hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.”

 

If you don’t know what she’s singing, it’s a Katy Perry song; Ashley is a huge fan of hers. A little bit more of punchy sister humor. I’ll share one that shows the deep sisterly love they have. I’d love your feedback and look forward to reading your eights today.

I’ll be absent from next week’s W.W.W. Click on the link above for the official list of participating authors.

#8Sunday 

 

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29 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors – Perky Ashley

  1. Nothing so maddening as a perky little sister.

  2. LA? Did you get to go to the SCBWI conference?

    Cute scene. I can picture this one. I’m not a fan of adverbs in tags. I’ve always been told that if you need an adverb, your dialogue is not strong enough. I also think you can leave out the “she quipped” after sister speaks. I like to use “said” because it is invisible to the reader. I like the way you describe the dancing around the room.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

    • I was only in LA for two days, so I didn’t go to that conference. I spent the rest of my trip in Mexico at my friend’s condo. He’s Mexican and has a place an hour south of Tijuana.

      As for the snippet, I get that adverbs weaken dialogue, but sometimes they are needed. I can drop the quipped part. Thanks for commenting.

  3. Welcome back, Frank! Visiting a condo in Mexico, I’m jealous 🙂

    Great characterization here. Even the little you say about Melissa shows us that she’s probably easy to get along with since she doesn’t rise to her sister’s bait. Am interested to see where you go from here.

    • It’s the little things that reveal so much about characters. As for my trip, I was in a town south of Ensenada in Baja California. Normally, foreigners don’t go there because it’s a dangerous town, but I was safe since my friend knew the area very well.

  4. I definitely get the feeling that they’re sisters – you’re always so good with the dialog and the mood of the snippets. Another great 8!

    • Dialogue is my specialty and I think this is another peaceful moment for them (considering what lies ahead). Thanks for commenting.

  5. Karen Michelle Nutt

    I do love the banter. Perfect for siblings.
    Now for the flip-flops– They’re perfect anytime and anywhere. lol So. Cal girl here and I have flip-flops in all colors. Wouldn’t leave home without a pair. lol

  6. you painted a wonderful character in just a few sentences, great work!

  7. siobhanmuir

    Hey, I wear flip-flops around the house, too! Great snippet, Frank. And yeah, I caught the Katy Perry reference. 🙂

  8. Their banter is great 😀 Though I wear flip-flops around the house, too! Nothing wrong with that, harrumph! LOL Great snippet Frank!

    • That’s just Ashley’s thinking. And of course there’s nothing wrong with wearing flip-flops around the house.

  9. Outstanding, Frank. Excellent job rewriting it. I wouldn’t change a thing. No extraneous words. The dialogue is snappy and draws in the reader. Nicely done!

    • I thought it needed to be rewritten this way as it shows Ashley’s love for Katy Perry. I’m thrilled you loved it.

  10. Not familiar with the Katy Perry song, so for me, it played out as a double entendre.
    Kudos!

  11. Gem

    The dialogue is clean and great banter. Well done.

  12. Ah, the joys of sisterhood. I love the picture you painted here. I can definitely relate to the dynamic between Melissa and Ashley, having 3 younger sisters myself. I will say Melissa is a better person than I am – I always took the bait. Haha! Excellent 8 sentences! I could really drop myself in the scene. And as a side note to Ashley – flip-flops are acceptable footwear no matter what time of year. 😉

  13. I’m not too fond of slippers and prefer flip flops myself. This sounds like an excellent place to trip an annoying sibling!

  14. burnsmillie

    Sounds like us West Coasties like our flip flops. Wear them year round here in Nor-Cal : ) And love the Katy Perry reference : )

  15. Spirited

    I don’t have a sister, so I couldn’t really connect with the excerpt. I do think that having an annoying little sister like that would drive me crazy though! Nice excerpt 🙂

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