Weekend Writing Warriors/#8Sunday – Baby Blue

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Welcome to another edition of Weekend Writing Warriors. I guess this is the last W.W.W. session of August, which means summer is almost over. My weekends have become more hectic since I moved, but I somehow managed to find the time to participate.  I’m sharing another eight from, The Burning Night, my YA horror novella. This continues from last week’s snippet.

Set-up: After playing around with Melissa, Ashley walks out of Melissa’s bedroom. She suddenly comes back in and gives her big sister a much-needed hug. Ashley speaks first.

The Eight:

 

 

“Don’t stress yourself out, this house is kinda weird…you’re right, Dad’s bein’, like, such an ass.”

Her supportive words and lukewarm grip nearly brought tears to my eyes. ‘Thank you, Sympathy Gods!’ Making a faint smile, I rubbed her arm as a lingering scent of shampoo from her hair percolated through my nostrils. “Thanks, Baby Blue,” I said, referring to her nickname.

A flush crept across her cheeks as I gave her a strong sisterly hug. I called her Baby Blue because of the obvious fact that she was the baby of the family and blue was her favorite color. I adopted it for her on her eighth birthday, but only I was allowed to call her that.

 

 

The Blurb:

Things are pretty rough for eighteen-year-old Melissa Murdock; her longtime boyfriend cheated on her and now she is forced to spend a few days at an old country house, rented by her parents. Apart from the dull decoration and being in the middle of nowhere, something about this house isn’t sitting well with her. What’s worse is she’s the only one that seems to notice this weirdness.

 When her parents leave her and her younger sister, Ashley, alone for the evening, the weirdness comes to life. Things take a turn for the worst for Melissa and Ashley – literally! Finding themselves trapped in a strange room, the teens discover they’re not alone in this house. A family of deranged women subject the girls to excruciating and seemingly inescapable torture. Can the girls find a way out before they are seriously hurt? Will they uncover the truth behind these psychotic women?

 

This is the official blurb, which I intend to use. I thought it would be helpful to those unfamiliar with this story. Note that Ashley’s refers to her dad this way because he was hard on Melissa in the beginning of the story. This is the last blissful moment for them before things take an ugly turn. I love to know your thoughts. I will get around to reading snippets tonight as I will be surfing at a water park with friends today.

In other news, I start grad school next week and I will be a teaching assistant as well. With my new schedule, I won’t be on W.W.W. as much and regrettably I won’t have as much time for writing. Oh well, I’ll finish my stories eventually, but in the meantime I’ll write an hour here, an hour there.

 

Click on the above link for the official list of participating authors. See you soon!

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31 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors/#8Sunday – Baby Blue

  1. chellecordero

    I adore how natural the conversation sounds – as the younger of 2 sisters, I understand how ONLY big sis gets to use that special nickname. After reading your blurb and knowing what is coming, I am really worried about the girls.
    You have a busy schedule coming up but good for you – enjoy.

    • I kind of thought the nickname would be a good bit. The blurb helps readers understand what is going on.

  2. Nice snippet. Enjoyed the blurb.
    Juneta at Writer’s Gambit

  3. Gem

    Sometimes a hug means a lot. Great scene.

  4. Nice kid voice. Your dialogue flows well and you have a cute nickname in Baby Blue.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2014/08/weekend-writing-warriors-82514.html

  5. Nice little familial moment between them, enjoyed it! Terrific snippet (even though we know what’s coming soon…)

  6. Frank, I think you’ve done a great job of writing their dialogue realistically, and of developing their characters as having a good (and real) sisterly relationship.

    Best wishes on the teaching. I hope your muse doesn’t heckle you when you have other commitments to keep. We’ll miss you! Come and visit us when you can–and anytime you need a dose of writerly loving from kindred spirits. 🙂

    • Thanks Teresa. I’ll be participating for the next few weeks. Things won’t get 2 hectic until October.

  7. Great relationship you are establishing between them. I hope that it will be able to get them through what is ahead, it sounds like they will definitely need each other!

    • They’ll need it for sure. Let’s just say things will get “hot” for them. Thanks for your comments.

  8. siobhanmuir

    It’s always the little things that connects family that matter. Nice snippet, Frank. 🙂

  9. Nice job on the dialogue.

  10. Great exchange. My only concern would be the “lukewarm” hug Ashley gives her. Why is Melissa so excited about something that to me doesn’t feel as if she means it? She gives her a “strong sisterly” hug back. Probably just me:).
    Congratulations on grad school and the new position.

    • Melissa is just relieved that Ashley is being serious. Deep down they’re close and care about each other.

  11. burnsmillie

    I like it Frank. I would strike “referring to her nickname” because in the next paragraph you explain baby blue is her nickname and how she got it : )

  12. Love the sister-only nickname, it’s amazing how families generate so many nicknames like that.

    The “lukewarm” hug caught my attention, too. For a minute, I thought she was sick or something and cool to the touch.

    • My older brothers have nicknames for me – that’s what made me include this.
      As for the hug, I was trying to describe how it felt. I guess i didn’t get it right?

  13. Christina Ochs

    You’ve got the teenage girl dialogue down! This is a great moment- too bad they’re in for a rough time. The blurb really sounds intriguing.

  14. Great scene I really like the relationship between the sisters. As the elder sister I also have nicknames for my sister. Great snippet! And congrats on grad school and your teaching position! 🙂

  15. Frank, Good advice from Caitlin,Teresa, and Millie. Trim the blurb. You nailed the dialogue. Moving on is great for you. Blossom in your new life and enjoy the journey.

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