Weekend Writing Warriors – Melissa Gets It in the Arm

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Greetings all and welcome to Weekend Writing Warriors.  I’m glad you’ve taken some time out of your day to read my snippet. I’m continuing from last week’s 8 of my YA horror novella, The Burning Night. I shared a bit of this scene many months ago, but I’ve completely edited it, so it’s more feasible

Set-up: Melissa is in shock as the cooktops on the stove are glowing by themselves. She tries to decipher the whole thing, when more scariness literally hits her.

The Eight:

 

I shuffled toward the stove and extended one hand over the burner as heat waves seeped through it. Two more burners started glowing, making me jump back. Covering my mouth with both hands, I stared hard at the burners when something sharp pierced through my right arm like a bullet.

“Oww!!”

I grabbed my arm and dropped to my knees. It was amazing the pitch of my scream didn’t shatter the window over the kitchen sink. With my arm throbbing, I gaped in horror at a dart stuck in it, infecting me with who-knew-what. I covered my mouth to keep from screaming, as I grimaced from the shooting pain.

 

Poor Melissa. The fact that she’s a teenager really has me feeling for her. Sadly, there’s more on the way for her.

Thoughts and feedback are always helpful. I’m going to a Bengals game this afternoon, so I won’t get to reading snippets until later this evening. Since this is my first NFL game, I’m excited yet curious as I don’t know what to expect.

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Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

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38 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors – Melissa Gets It in the Arm

  1. chellecordero

    First person POV is so difficult and yet you made it work very well. This is definitely a frightening scene. I’m worried for the poor girl. Good 8.

  2. Christina Ochs

    Argh! You sure are piling it on poor Melissa. Mystery darts are never good. Enjoying the build-up on this.

    Have fun at the game!

  3. Frank, terrific writing here. You caught this reader’s attention and didn’t let go. WOW!

  4. Something weird is going on and I’m glad I’m not in that kitchen with her.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

  5. Gem

    Great suspense in this scene.

  6. burnsmillie

    I don’t know that I read these earlier scenes before Frank, this part of the story is new to me. I think I’d take the word through out before pierced…makes me think something went through her arm, when it’s just sticking in her arm.

  7. Exciting and full of atmosphere!

  8. Odd thing is, for me the dart is less scary than the stove. Burners turning themselves on hint at the supernatural. Darts suggest a very this-world assailant somewhere nearby. Either way, it doesn’t sound like good news…

  9. Ooh, darts! I don’t remember reading that part before but it makes sense. I’d been wondering how on earth they got into the um “net situation”. Their adversary is extremely crafty. Excellent excerpt!

  10. This is my first exposure to this story, so I don’t have the background others seem to have – and I’m definitely wondering what the heck is going on and why she’s been hit with a dart and whether there is something in that’s been injected into her and… ok, that’s enough. 🙂

  11. You lucky duck! You’re going to a NFL game? How exciting! I loved the description of the pain that your character felt as he waved his hand over the burner. Great job describing that feeling. Awesome read!

  12. O.O From the previous posts I thought the house was haunted by some evil spirit. But the dart in her arm seems to suggest that something else is going on?

    I feel like this line, “With my arm throbbing, I gaped in horror at a dart stuck in it, infecting me with who-knew-what,” is foreshadowing. I think it’s laced with some sedative. At this point I don’t know if the evil force within the house is trying to kill her, scare her, or something else. You did a good job with the tension in this scene 🙂

    About this line, “It was amazing the pitch of my scream didn’t shatter the window over the kitchen sink.” I think the intent of this was to say that her scream was so high pitched it was surprising a window didn’t break? I’ve heard blood curdling screams before, (someone in our apartment had a gun to his head) and it’s loud, really loud, and bone-chilling. I would focus on the volume of the scream and perhaps the tone, but that’s just my opinion :$

    • Thanks for your suggestion about the scream. I don’t think I can change it at this point because I’m not sure how to reword it.

  13. Love the tension. Poor Melissa!

    I wonder if you mean “injecting” not “infecting,” though. Unless she thinks there’s a disease on the dart, which is possible. I think most people would think poison/drug first.

  14. I definitely don’t want to be in her shoes;). Fabulous snippet foreshadowing darker things to come. Can you explain why she screams loud enough to shatter the window, but then covers her mouth not to scream again? That part confused me a little.

  15. Poor Melissa! Will anything good happen to her? 😦

  16. Oh man…what an evil house, and evil people behind all this. You are a first class torturer, Frank. 😉 Have fun at the game!! 🙂 You’re now a Bengals fan by proximity? I live near Pgh. Our teams are in the same division! 🙂

  17. Maybe pierced the skin?

  18. Just when I think the poor kid can catch a break . . .

    I’m in awe of your imagination, Frank! 🙂

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