Weekend Writing Warriors – Who Did That?

better-wewriwa

 

 

 

Good morning to you all, and thank you for visiting my blog today. This is Weekend Writing Warriors, the blog hop where you can share eight sentences from your stories – published/unpublished. I’m continuing to share another 8 from my YA horror novella, The Burning Night. To be truthful, I’m thinking of changing the title. Anyway, this eight continues from last week’s edition.

Set-up: Melissa has just had a dart fired into her arm from an unknown source, and tries to get it out.

 

The eight:

 

Grabbing the dart, I pulled it out while letting out an audible groan as a few trickles of blood trickled down my arm. I let out a series of rasping breaths while I stared at the needle as it dripped my blood onto the kitchen floor. I set the needle on the counter, grabbed a paper towel and pressed it against my arm. The pain kept shooting through me worse than the time I got my Rubella shot, and I was amazed I wasn’t feeling dizzy or nauseous by now.

“Who did that?” I blared. “You’re, like, so messin’ with the wrong girl!”

“Mel, is that you?” Ashley’s faint voice called from behind. “Who the hell are you talkin’ to?”

 

I kind of think I’m over the 8 sentence limit. Well, now we know where Ashley is. Makes you feel for Melissa, no? I’d love to know your thoughts. Next week I will be absent from W.W.W. as I’m moving into my new apartment. I’ve been staying with friends for the past month, and it’s now time to settle into my new home. I’ll continue with more from this story when I return

Click on the link for the official list of participating writers. Use the hastag #8Sunday on Twitter.

 

Frank

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46 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors – Who Did That?

  1. Ouch. I think I’d be freaking out with the dart in my arm. Creepy.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2014/09/wewriwa-on-last-weekend-of-september.html

  2. Christina Ochs

    Ugh, needles, blood, pain. Poor Melissa, but at least we know Ashley is still alive and she sounds okay, so far. Nice eight and good luck with the move!

  3. Young adults beware. This is one heckuva horror story. Good description , Frank.

  4. Is Melissa the only one who is being messed with like this?

    It seems like Ashley’s either really unobservant or the Big Bad is keeping her out of it . . .

    Great (and weird) snippet, Frank! 🙂

  5. historysleuth1

    Ashley sure is walking into a mess and their both in danger now! Way to up the stakes.
    History Sleuth – Milk Carton Murders

  6. historysleuth1

    I meant they’re both in danger, shessssh autocorrect makes writers look like idiots. 🙂

  7. Ooh I wonder who or what shot the dart? Tense moment well described!

  8. siobhanmuir

    Yeesh! That’s scary, Frank. I’d change this ” I pulled it out while letting out an audible groan as a few trickles of blood trickled down my arm.” to “I pulled it out with a groan as blood tricked down my arm.” It tightens up the description without repeating words. Nicely done, Frank. 🙂

  9. Vivid description and so much more to come in this story! Great snippet…

  10. Yikes! I hate to think what might be entering her bloodstream right now. Someone really has it in for her. Great suspense, as usual.

  11. Ooh, I wonder if Ashley actually did it, or if there is someone else in the area. Seems a little fishy that she just pops up. Great description of the pain that was felt when pulling the dart out! Love the snippet.

  12. burnsmillie

    Frank, I’d redline the word audible…if she groans it’ll be heard. That word isn’t necessary. And you have the word trickle twice in very close proximity. See if you can change one of them out : )

  13. Glad she’s fighting mad rather than freaked!

    BTW – there was a word echo in the first sentence – trickled…trickles.

  14. Great snippet. Tense and creepy. My only suggestion would be to check the use of “out”. You used it a few times in short order.

  15. Gem

    Nice action scene. Good luck in your move!

  16. Scary, wondering what’s on that dart.

  17. Another scary snippet–as usual.

    Good luck with the moving.

  18. Ew… blood everywhere!

    You might want to change one of those “let outs” to something else, since you have two in a row. I think someone mentioned the “out” part, but one of the “lets” should maybe go as well when you revise. 🙂

  19. Very great direction for how she felt. Great snippet

  20. chellecordero

    I think if I were Melissa I would be looking for the culprit who shot the dart into my arm – either that or passing out from the fright and worry. Great tension. Great 8.

  21. She’s a brave one! I wouldn’t have dared pull the dart out. What if the needle broke or something?! Wonderful snippet, Frank!

  22. Spooky, Frank, I like this! Yeah that was brave of her to pull the dart out; I’d be afraid that would hurt even worse. But she doesn’t strike me as a pushover.

    I’m just a little unhappy with “blared”. It doesn’t quite seem like the right word there.

    Am definitely anxious to see what happens next. I think about these characters during the week 🙂 And hope your move goes smoothly.

  23. Apparently WordPress ate my first comment, so trying again:

    That was brave of her to pull the dart out; I’d be afraid it would hurt more. But Melissa doesn’t strike me as a pushover! I’m rooting for her.

    I’m just a little unhappy with “blared”-it doesn’t seem like the right word in that spot.

    Am definitely anxious to see what comes next. I think about these characters during the week 🙂 And hoping your move goes smoothly.

    • I think blare works in this context. I’ve seen it in similar stories. I won’t be on W.W.W. for awhile, but glad you like it overall.

  24. Very scary snippet, Frank! But the book is pretty scary, so it fits right in. The things I was going to comment on, I see others already have.

    Good luck with your move. Won’t it be nice to have your own place? 🙂 See you when you get settled in!

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