Weekend Writing Warriors/#8Sunday – Melissa Can’t Take Anymore

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Another weekend and another edition of Weekend Writing Warriors. I’m so glad you’ve stopped by to check out my snippet. I hope you will visit other participants’ websites and view theirs. Just click on the link. I’m continuing from last week’s snippet from The Burning Night. No skipping this time, we pick up right from where we left off.

Set-up: After Ashley snaps at Melissa, she begins to break down as Ashley consoles her. This is in Melissa’s POV.

The eight (with a little creative punctuation):

   

     I stared at the carpet as tears welled up in my eyes – a teenager could only take so much. The combination of fright, worry, not to mention the pain in my arm overwhelmed me as tears cascaded down my cheek.

         “I’m not makin’ this up,” I said tearfully. “I swear, you’re w-worse than Dad…wh-why don’t you believe me?”

     I sniffled as Ashley’s pale feet suddenly appeared in front of me. Looking up, I saw a sad smile on her face as teardrops dripped from my chin and splattered onto the carpet. She knelt down, scooted beside me and pulled my face against her shoulder.

 “I’m sorry, Mel, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

With everything that’s happened, you can’t blame Melissa for breaking down. It almost made me cry as I wrote it. And things only get worse for these kids. I’d love to know what you think. I’ll be out hiking most of the day, so I won’t get to reading snippets until later this evening. If I don’t get to yours, I’m not snubbing you.

I will be away next weekend as I’m going to Chicago for a weekend getaway. I’ll continue this scene the following weekend. Take care and thanks for stopping by!

Frank

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30 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors/#8Sunday – Melissa Can’t Take Anymore

  1. I guess they’re feeling a little sensitive after all they’ve been through.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/

    • Only Melissa is feeling it right now; she’s been through it all. Ashley hasn’t, but she will in the next scene of the story.

  2. chellecordero

    Definitely an emotional scene, you captured the heartstrings very well.

  3. Lovely human moment between the sisters 🙂

  4. Emotional piece descriptively written. Good snippet frank!

  5. Aw, I’m glad Ashley came around and provided some comfort! I’m with you- I have a terrible time not getting teary-eyed when I’m putting my characters through hell. 😂

  6. I like your story, Frank. Consider the word tears used way too much throughout. How about ‘I cried wiped tears away with my hand or sleeve. . .and in my humble opinion, I’d lose the cascading. She’s a teen and she’s hurt, sad, frightened and man-she can’t stop those damn tears.

    • Thanks for your suggestion. I’ll revise it and drop a few of the ‘tears’, but bear in mind I want to show rather than tell.

  7. These two are such great sisters, loved the scene. Gives a good foundation for what they have to go thru together a bit later. Excellent excerpt.

  8. Aw, poor teenagers. And to imagine the worst is yet to come. *shiver* Have fun hiking and in Chicago, Frank!

  9. I’m glad Ashley is that sensitive to Melissa..

  10. I see that she’s apologizing for hurting Mel’s feelings–not for disbelieving her. I wonder if Mel will show her arm as proof?

    • Mel won’t – the wound isn’t big enough to notice. Ashley doesn’t believe her, you’re right about that.

  11. Oh really tender!! Lovely snippet Frank. And enjoy Chicago next week!

  12. I’m guessing that when Ashley is able to say she told her so, she really wishes she couldn’t. 🙂

    Very emotional moment, Frank.

  13. Frank, I love it. It’s very emotional. Oh, those teenage years are something else. Chicago, really? Dress warm, it’s cold here. Hoping that you are planning to do something fun while here. I know there is a ton of stuff going on here this week. 😉

    • Thank you. I plan to tour the Loop, the Magnificent Mile and visit a blues club. I lived in Russia for a year, I’m prepared for the cold.

  14. You have captured an intimate moment beautifully.

  15. Great tension and strong emotion. Well done!
    Hope you had a great day hiking. Have fun in Chicago. Such a great city.

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