Weekend Writing Warriors – Where Are We?

better-wewriwa

Good morning/afternoon everyone and welcome to Weekend Writing Warriors. I hope you all had a great Halloween (hopefully your kids didn’t overdo it on the candy). I’m offering an another eight from, The Burning Night. I’m skipping ahead to a scene, which I actually shared this months ago. I’ve edited it and want to get some feedback.

Set-up: Melissa and her sister, Ashley, are sitting on a couch in the basement of their rented country house. The couch spins them around, dumping them into a strange room where they are surrounded by steel walls. Melissa studies the room, while the atmosphere overwhelms Ashley.

The eight:

Pushing my hair away from my face, I placed one hand on the wall behind us as chill blades instantly greeted my fingers. Waves of icy air rose from the floor and seeped through the bottoms of my feet. I glanced at the ink black surface underfoot, and wondered why it was so cold. Ashley rubbed her arms, like she had just come out of a freezer, and curled her toes. The vivid fear glittering in her eyes made me quiver.

“Are you cold?” I asked. Turning to me, she shook her head.

“I-it’s not that, I’m…f-f-freakin’ out here, Mel.”

 

I’d be freaking out, too. Things get worse from here, as many of you already know. I’ll share a few more from this story, and then share snippets from my novel. I apologize if anyone is tired of this, but I have attracted new fans who are eager to learn more about my story. Click on the link above for the official list of participating authors.

I’d like to say a shout out to Neva Squires-Rodriquez, if you happen to visit my site today: I had a great time in Chicago – the weather was beautiful and the city was amazing!

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31 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors – Where Are We?

  1. chellecordero

    Totally scary. I can understand why new fans want more of your story – me too!
    Great 8.

  2. Super good eight, Frank. You’re moving in the right direction.

    • I think it’s good to show this (even though you know what’s coming). I’ll show more where the girls meet those evil women.

  3. I’d freak out, too!

    I’m thinking Melissa has the edge, here—at least she had some warning that freaky things were going on!

  4. Wow, I would be too! Tense snippet!

  5. Hi Frank 🙂 It’s a great story so I don’t mind seeing parts again. This seems a bit off to me: “chill blades greeted my fingers” sounds too controlled and adult for a teenager in that situation. She’s just found herself in a weird room in an otherwise normal house, she’s young–I’d expect something like, “I put one hand on the wall then yanked it back when searing cold bit me. It looked like a wall but it felt like bare ice.” (this is just my opinion, of course)

    However, I really like “vivid fear glittering in her eyes made me quiver” 😀 That gets the point across succinctly and fits Melissa’s character. Am still really curious how this story wraps up!

    • I like you suggestion, especially since you give me a specific example. I forget that teenagers don’t use complex vocabulary.

      • Cool beans, Frank. Writing teenagers can be challenging. 95% of the time, I think you nail it. I find the girls engaging and interesting, not vacuous 😉

      • I’m glad you like the story, but I this is the kind of feedback I need. I really like it when one gives me specific examples, rather than saying “You need to change this.”

  6. Karen Michelle Nutt

    I’m hooked, too! Share away. Love the descriptions!!

  7. “Chill blades” confused me, made me think of a fan? But reading the comments I see it was referring to how the cold affected her. I think this scene is great because those of us who know what’s coming next, realize it’ll be a stark contrast to the *real* problem. I love all the spookiness. This is quite the story you have going on! More, please….

  8. Great eight! I continue to love the interaction between the sisters.

  9. burnsmillie

    Spooky freaky fun Frank : ). These poor girls are soo in trouble!

  10. Ha! I just visited your site! My stepson and his girlfriend are over, so I’ve been behind again! LOL Thank you for the shot out! Yes when you were here it was very warm, 70’s and beautiful. You are so lucky it’s cold now, snowed lightly on Friday and Saturday and below freezing last night, I think it got down to 27! 😦 Glad you enjoyed your trip! —okay for the eight, I’m so intrigued by the story…I’m interested to read more about the sisters, from past snippets, it seems that they don’t see the same things, yet with the couch spinning they are now placed into the same room, or realm and Ashley doesn’t seem like she can handle what she’s seeing or surrounded by. Oh how nice! Loving this story, can’t wait to read more.

  11. I like the new idea of the room being cold as well as hot.

  12. Great 8! I agree with Marcia and Veronica, the chill blades made me stumble as well, but I love how you’re adding the cold. Adds to the level of freakiness. Great job.

  13. Hi Frank! It’s good to “see” you!

    Marcia and Veronica already commented on the same thing that tripped me up. So, I’ll just say that your writing is visceral. And I mean that in the best of ways. 🙂 I like the rewrite. 🙂

  14. I like the idea of the cold being piercing blades, but I agree with everyone else that the language probably is a bit sophisticated.

    Lot of work the bad guys put into that room! It makes me worried for what’s coming next.

  15. Wow…that was wonderfully spooky. Great snippet.

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