Weekend Writing Warriors/#8Sunday – Hot Enough For Ya!

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Looking for some relief from all the stress of the holiday season? Come by Weekend Writing Warriors to read some snippets from a variety of talented authors. It doesn’t quite feel like Christmas for me. Probably because I’ve been holed up in the library studying for finals. My thoughts go out to those affected by the rough weather in California recently.

I’m offering a snippet from The Burning Night. This pick up from the last sentence: “Sandy, switch it on!”

Set-up: Emily proceeds to torture Melissa and Ashley. She has her daughter, Sandra, flip on a power switch, which is connected to the floor beneath the Melissa and Ashley’s feet. They watch in horror as the floor turns into a giant stove. This is all in Melissa’s POV. Creative punctuation has been used to fit the 8 sentence rule.

The eight:

Sandra leaned over the edge of the skylight, and a loud ‘click-click’ quickly followed. Dipping my chin, my eyes bulged as the floor began to glow red with heat nibbling the bottoms of my feet.

           “Oh my God, the floor,” Ashley cried, as she looked down at her feet. The floor morphed into a blanket of red with mounting heat biting my feet, as I jerked them back and yelped, “Ah, it’s getting hot!”

 Every inch of the floor glowed like an infrared cooktop on high, the glow catching our pajama pants, and the heat mounted to the point of scorching our feet.

            “Aaaaahh!!” we cried as we leapt off the floor, endlessly lifting up one foot after the other in a lame attempt to avoid burns.
            “Ah, ouch, ow, ow, aaoow,” I screeched, the intense heat stabbed the bottoms of my feet, like hundreds of needles.

            “Ow, ow, ouch, ow, ouch,” Ashley cried, while hopping around like crazy.

hot

 

Emily wasn’t kidding about that whole “hot foot to wipe out all hot feet” bit. The image, which I took myself, shows what the floor would look like (minus the black spots).  The floor isn’t quite the shape of what it is in the picture. You get the idea, I’m sure. I had to omit some exclamation marks to fit the sentence limit. Anyway, what a horrible situation for those girls! They’ve got to find a way out of there, or at least cool that floor down before their feet are severely burned. More from this next week.

I’d love to know your thoughts, as they help me with the editing process. Thanks for stopping by.

I have one final exam to prep for, and then I’ll be officially done my first semester of grad school. I feel good about how far I’ve come. Too bad school has slowed my writing progress down. Once my exam is done, I have a 14-hour drive to Florida ahead of me, where I’ll be spending the holidays.

Have a great day!

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52 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors/#8Sunday – Hot Enough For Ya!

  1. Gosh! I’m afraid I already would have fallen over, trying to burn something other than the bottoms of my feet. What a terrible terrible wonderful idea. 🙂

    Thanks for sharing!

  2. A I read this, I realized I was lifting my own feet of the floor, Frank!

    And I just had a horrible thought . . . what if their parents are in on this and it’s a test of their suitability for something?!

    Sorry . . . I have conspiracybrain today . . .

    • I’m glad this “moved” you. Good point you make about their parents, but no this is not the case. That would be too much for the girls. Their father is connected to the women, though.

  3. You did a great job with description here, which made it hard to read. I just read a story of a teenager that was doused in lighter fluid (they even poured it down her throat) and burned alive. I was cringing as I read this and trying not to think about that poor girl 😦 I hope the sisters find a way out of this predicament and soon!

    • That’s a horrible way to die (especially pouring lighter fluid down her throat). I’m sorry this snippet stirred up memories.

  4. Consider leaving out the cries of ooh, ouch and go straight to, ‘I screeched etc. and Ashley cried while hopping around like crazy. Combining the two sentences.
    Safe journey to Florida where you’ll have a great vacation.

  5. Ouch. That was a hot one.
    I have a daughter who graduated grad school so I understand the pressure and craziness – congrats at getting through your fist semester.

    • I feel good about what I’ve done so far in school – two semesters to go. Glad you liked the snippet, it sure is hot.

  6. Gem

    Intense scene, Frank. Great snippet!

  7. Great description! Particularly “the intense heat stabbed the bottoms of my feet, like hundreds of needles”

  8. Ugh what is wrong with that woman? Why does she hate these girls so much? Hoping someone comes to save them, or that they find a way off of the floor. Yikes! Great eight!

  9. Very intense and my toes are curling just reading about the hot floor! Can’t wait to see how our heroines escape. The suspense is at a high level! Happy holidays, drive safe….

  10. Omg, so scary! I would be freaking out at this point.

  11. Karen Michelle Nutt

    How horrible. I cringed just thinking about the bottoms of those girl’s feet burning. OUCH!

  12. burnsmillie

    This keeps getting tighter and more realistic. Good job Frank, the edits are paying off. Good luck on your last test, and drive safe!

  13. My feet were cold…until I read this! Well, they’re still cold, but I’m feeling grateful for that. 😀 Also grateful for not being the captive of a maniac!

    Now I’m very anxious to learn how (if?) they get out of this!

  14. Suzie Quint

    I’d say they were in hot water, but water would likely just make it worse. 😉

  15. Holly shit, I felt that. Not cool. 🙂 Actually, reading this reminded me of when I read Stephen King’s The Long Walk. My feet hurt for days after reading it. Great job. 🙂

  16. I knew what was coming and it still creeped me out;). Great job!

  17. argh, I’m cringing at the thought of what Melissa and Ashley are going through, please get them out of this soon!!

    Good luck on your last exam!

  18. Such a terrible predicament to be in! Vivid, well described snippet.

  19. Ouch! That would be a horrible:(

  20. Vivid imagery! Loved it. I felt the heat and pictured the kids hopping about on the red hot surface. Two minor editing comments, Frank… one is to avoid using the words “mounting” and then “mounted” in such close succession. I think the second time, I’d drop it and go simple with “the heat scorched our feet”. The other suggestion is limit the use of “cried” as a dialogue tag. For instance instead of “Ashley cried…” just say, “Ashley looked down in horror.” etc. Have safe travels home for the holidays and I look forward to reading more ~Rosie

  21. Yikes! Very vivid and well-described. I hope they get out of this quick.

  22. I usually end up with cold feet when I step out of bed. This would be quite the predicament indeed–it makes my feet feel hot just to read it!
    Thank you for visiting us at peppersfetch.blogspot.com

  23. I don’t know if my previous comment went through. WordPress…groan!
    I made a silly joke about how my feet are generally cold when I get out of bed, but reading this made them feel hot. Very evocative!
    Thank you for visiting us at peppersfetch.blogspot.com

  24. Though I can’t remember the exact floor description from before, I think this version is scarily detailed. Brings to mind any time you might have touched a hot stove as a child… Ouch.

    Along with the mounting/mounted, you might consider your glowed/glow in this bit: “floor glowed like an infrared cooktop on high, the glow…” Unless you’re repeating for emphasis, in which case, never mind.

  25. This is a cruel and interesting concept. I agree with the comment of leaving the onomatopoeia out or at least, reducing them in favor of strong active verbs.

    Also, while I understand that the floor is burning their feet and making them hop around, I think less is more here. I felt like there were repetitions that diluted the moment.

    Here are a few suggestions (which you are 100% free to ignore):
    – Don’t mention the heat under their feet at first. An element takes time to heat up so you can describe the floor getting red and build tension. They can recognize the pattern, anticipate what’s gonna happen and think it may be just a scare tactic before the heat actually comes on.
    – Limit the use of “feet”. For example, Ashley can just look down instead of looking down at her feet. It’ll reduce the repetition.
    – Focus the strongest images for the heat (“the intense heat stabbed the bottoms of my feet, like hundreds of needles”) and hopping (“we leapt off the floor, endlessly lifting up one foot after the other in a lame attempt to avoid burns.”) Limit other descriptions of the same thing.
    – A third degree burn destroys the nerves. Depending how cringe-worthy you want the scene to be, you could escalate to the point where the girls can’t feel the floor anymore, which is more frightening than the heat build up.

    All this being said, I’m not a YA/NA writer so this may be inappropriate for the intended audience. These are just my thoughts on what I feel would best serve your concept. You know what’s best for your story. 😉

    • Thanks for the suggestions. I will have omit the third one, as I think its too inappropriate for my audience. The rest of them I agree with and will revise the scene.

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