Weekend Writing Warriors – The Agony of De-feet!

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Exams are over, and now I can look forward to Christmas, especially as I am relaxing on the beaches of South Florida. Welcome to Weekend Writing Warriors, for all your reading needs. I’m offering one final snippet from The Burning Night, my YA horror novella. As it is the last 8 from this story, I decided to condense a paragraph’s worth into an excerpt so you could get a full sense of what’s going on. If you missed last week’s snippet, it can be found here.

Set-up: Teenage sisters, Melissa and Ashley, are trapped in a room. Thanks to a power switch, the entire floor has become scorching hot, making the girls to hop around as they try and preserve their feet. Emily and her daughters, Ally and Sandra delight in the girls suffering as they watch them “dance.” The image below shows how the floor would  look like.

hot

The eight:

“Whoa, look at ‘em dance, Mom,” Sandra chirped.

“And listen to them sing, it’s amazing how you can make a couple of teenagers dance and scream at the same time,” Emily cooed. 

Their heartless taunts hurt me almost as much this floor frying my skin like eggs. Lifting my head up, I forced a glare at the psychotic women through the agonizing pain, and cried, “You, ow, ow, si-sick bitches!”

“Shu-shut this floor off,” Ashley wailed.

“It won’t hurt much longer, my darlings.” Emily’s falsetto voice hardened ruthlessly as she boomed, “Because the nerve endings in your feet will be completely destroyed!”

I let out a scream that tore at my vocal cords and rattled my ribs, as I shook my right foot wildly in the air, while hopping on the other.

Oh their poor feet! Emily and her daughters are sick…sick, sick, sick! It’s hard to understand why Emily hates those girls so much. She just enjoys seeing people suffer. It’s the truth! As demented as she is, you have to admit that this is a clever way to torture someone. I hate having to end things here, but this isn’t published, and so I can only share so much.

The story ends on a positive note for the teens, and those women get what’s coming to them. I hope you have enjoyed reading these snippets, and will buy the book someday. Your feedback has made all the difference, and helped me understand my characters more. I thank everyone who commented on this last week, and do appreciate any thoughts today!

I’ll be taking some time off W.W.W. I expect to be back sometime in January, where I will share snippets from one of my other stories. I haven’t decided which one. In the meantime, Merry Christmas to all and a very Happy New Year!!

See you in 2015!

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39 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors – The Agony of De-feet!

  1. Oh wow…things look bad for them! Good 8.

    No post for me this week.

    You’re going to miss all of this cold rain for Christmas?? 😉 Enjoy your holiday, Frank. I hope you get marvelous beach weather. 🙂

  2. Outstanding eight and that’s quite enough agony for me today.
    Happy Holidays, you rascal, basking in sunshine on the beach. You’re the envy of us all.

    • I hate having to end things with this scene, but I’m glad you felt the agony. I feel sheepish for having announced that I’m in Florida, but it’s my second home and I spend every christmas there. Happy Holidays!

  3. Oh great, way to leave us hanging! I’m glad there’s justice in the end- it’ll be interesting to see how you resolve this in the finished story. Enjoy your time off!

  4. Wow what a great 8. Can’t wait to read more.

    • Thanks, but this is the last 8 from this story. I hate leaving these girls enduring a hot foot, but I can only share so much.

  5. Oh my, those three are evil. That Sandra and Emily are something else. Great eight!

  6. Karen Michelle Nutt

    How horrible the Emily is. Pure evil!!

  7. Very intense scene. What a rotten family. I certainly look forward to reading about their comeuppance (when the story is published).

  8. Another fabulous snippet. I’m curious to see how you bring everything together and look forward to reading the finished story;).
    Enjoy your time off and Merry Christmas.

  9. Happy Holidays! Thanks for letting us know the story will end well for our heroines and wow, the pain was intense today, due to your descriptive powers. Great snippet!

  10. Hi again!
    So you had thought about the nerve ending thing! 😉

    Like last week, there’s good stuff in there (I love the contrast of the torturer’s attitude versus the frenzy of your MC). I think there are some edits you can do so your ideas shine full force.

    You have a lot of “said” book-isms, here. Don’t be afraid to use “said” or vary the way you tag dialogue. This way, when you do use something like “coo”, it is special and significant instead of reading as another synonym for said. Less is more, here!

    Quick rewrite (for the sake of example):
    Lifting my head up, I glared at the psychotic women. “You,” I gritted my teeth against the agonizing pain, “sick bitches!”

    As usual, this is just my opinion and you are 100% entitled to ignore it. There’s a lot of potential in your ideas! 😉

    • Thank you for your feedback. I like your second suggestion for the rewrite. As for the first, I can’t use “said” instead of other dialogue tags. This is how the characters express themselves, and said would make the scene dull.

  11. That’s even more torture than a fire walk, since at least fire-walkers get to put water on their feet beforehand and get in and out quickly. These people are really sadistic.

  12. Exciting and horrible at the same time! Well described.

  13. siobhanmuir

    Love the image of the scream, Frank. Nicely done. 🙂

  14. Ouch! My feet are almost hurting in sympathy. Glad to hear that the villainess will get hers. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, Frank!

  15. If you need a beta, Frank, I’d like to volunteer—I need to know how this ends! 🙂

  16. daezarkian

    Ouch! Terrific details in this, Frank, nicely done!

  17. Looks like they’re in the hot seat! 😉 Sorry, I had to. But great snippet! Happy holidays to you 🙂

  18. Yep, those are some sick puppies. I wonder how permanent this damage will be, though. You do need to feel the bottom of your feet to walk, after all. Scary thought!

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