Weekend Writing Warriors – You Have Me!

 

shade

This is the weekly 8-10 sentence blog hop hosted by Weekend Writing Warriors. Thanks for visiting my blog! I’m glad I can be sharing in the Sunday Snippet magic. I hope spring has arrived early in your parts.
I’m continuing from my YA WIP, Love Conquers. Full blurb can be found by clicking the Love Conquers page on my blog.
This snippet takes place in a flashback where heroine, Melissa, recalls the day after her boyfriend dumped her. She has been in bed all day and is grief-stricken and her sister tries to cheer her up. This snippet continues from last week where Ashley suggests going to a yoga class. Melissa prefers walking barefoot over fiery hot coals. Let’s see what Ashley has to say about that. Creative punctuation has been used to meet the 10-sentence limit.

          “And, like, severely burn the bottoms of your feet and be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life?”
          I grunt and turn away from her.
          “Mel, you can’t, like, stay in bed forever.”
          “I gave him everything, my heart, my soul. I lost the only guy who ever loved me, I, like, have nobody now.”
           Ashley cups my chin, turning my head so that I’m looking at her, gazing at me with eyes full of sadness and concern. “That’s so not true, you, like, got your friends, Dad, and most importantly, you have me. I might, like, annoy the shit outta you sometimes, but you’ll always have me. And FYI, he lost you.”
         She kisses my forehead, and I collapse in her t-shirt, pooling it with a fresh batch of tears.

As much of a P.I.T.A. Ashley can be, she really is an awesome sister. I think she’s got a point about walking over hot coals, too! Your thoughts and feedback are most welcome and appreciated!

Happy Easter to all as well! I’ll be absent next weekend as I’m travelling to Budapest and Zagreb for my Easter holiday break!

Until next time!

Frank

Categories: Weekend Writing Warriors | Tags: , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

Post navigation

22 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors – You Have Me!

  1. Author Jessica E. Subject

    A sweet snippet between sisters! Though the ‘likes’ in the dialogue are a bit jarring. Having a teen daughter, I promise you they don’t all talk like that.

  2. My daughter says “like” almost constantly so the dialogue is realistic in that sense. But it annoys the hell out of me, so you don’t want to jar the reader with too many of them. They interrupt the flow of your dialogue. Otherwise, great snippet for showing the softer side of Ashley.

  3. I love what Ashley says to her! It’s nice to see the strong sisterly relationship at the bedrock here. Enjoyed the snippet. Minor nit: I’d remove 2 of the 3 likes and NOT add more as the dialog goes forward. Gets annoying to the reader, especially having BOTH sisters use the verbal tic.

  4. They sound like sisters. Angst and love together. Great snippet!

  5. Always a good story, Frank Enjoy your trips.

  6. nancygideon

    That FYI is priceless!! Why don’t we ever believe that’s true? Sigh . . . youth.

  7. The annoying sister comes through! You portrayed Melissa’s grief convincingly — yes, that’s how a young person might feel.
    Speaking to, like, Jessica’s point, the first ‘like’ struck me as a nice bit of characterization rather than jarring, by the end they felt overdone.

  8. Aww, this is a nice moment between them! Family lasts longer than boyfriends anyway!

  9. Diane Burton

    Although this is a nice moment between them, the “likes” got to me, too. Melissa seems a bit of a drama queen. Nice snippet.

    • Melissa can let her emotions get the better of her sometimes, but she’s really headstrong. She was with her boyfriend for three years before he dumped her. Thanks for the feedback!

  10. Loved the scene between the sisters where grief and fierce support shine through.

  11. I enjoyed the interaction between the girls. About the “likes,” it’s a fine line because I know people who speak like that and it is pretty constant, but I think in a piece of writing, using “like” every now and then will give the illusion that the person uses it a lot.

    • Both characters use ‘like’ a lot in their dialogue, but Ashley uses it the most. I think I can tweak it so it doesn’t slow things down for the reader. Thanks for your feedback!

Go ahead, make your comment!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: